I don’t recall if I ever mentioned it on here, but Jacob is getting married. To someone who is decidedly not me. She’s more like…me two or three years ago. Young, stupid, and so in love she’s willing to give up her future for him. Well, these things do happen.
I’m invited to the wedding, of course. It’s in 11 days. I decided today that I’m not going. I can pretend that I feel bad about missing it, but I don’t.
I actually have valid reasons for missing it, in case he bothers to find out why I didn’t show. For one, it’s a Wednesday night during my first week of classes for the fall semester. Not only that, work requires 5 days of availability up until Labor Day. So I need Monday off for school, and would prefer to have Tuesdays off as well, because I need to have at least one day a week without class or work. Wednesday I have class in the morning, and the wedding starts at 6 PM. Doable, but a little tight. Not only that, I requested the Wednesday off for his wedding already, but before I scheduled classes and put in the planning form for work. It’s all one big mess now and while I could work it out it’s going to be difficult. Everyone that I could trade shifts with will also have to work around their brand new schedules. You see? Highly inconvenient. And, I’m sorry, but my education and ability to keep a job are more important to me than his wedding.
But outweighing even all of these fairly legitimate excuses is the fact that I do not approve of this union. He doesn’t need my approval, and I know that, but I’m just saying. They’ve only been dating since Christmas of 2009. They had been dating for a month and a half when he proposed. She is only 18 years old. I know I’m not much older but I’ve at least lived outside my church’s universe at one point in my life. She doesn’t know anything, and she is going to regret marrying a man who is only interested in getting married, not so much in marrying the right person. I know this, because in September of 2009 he was talking about marrying me. And less than six months later he’s engaged to someone else.
I know what he would say if he was reading this as I typed it. He would say that he prayed about it, and that he felt the Spirit guiding him in this decision. I would tell him that, as he often reminded me, sometimes we convince ourself that we feel the Spirit telling us that something is right when we really just want it. He just wants to get married. He’s been relentlessly focused on that one goal since he got off the plane from Nicaragua. He wants 3 kids by the time he’s 30 years old. And he will get his way with his little wifey. And she will be 26 with 3 kids. He’s going to be a choir teacher. She’s not going to have a job. She’s not going to have anything that isn’t attached to him. She isn’t going to be a person anymore. She’s going to be his wife and that’s all.
He and I have only talked once (briefly, in text message form) since he got engaged on Feb. 13th. He and I will never see each other again, really, once he’s married, whether I go to the wedding or not. And I’m okay with that. I used to not be, but lately, the more I think about it, I’ve realized how happy I am without the stress of him in my life. I just always felt the need to have his approval, even after we broke up, and I always fell back into that pattern when he was a part of my life. And I am okay with losing that feeling forever.
So, to end this little post that turned into a bit of a rant, good luck. Best wishes, I guess, Jacob. It has been lovely knowing you. I’m sure I’ll still miss you occasionally. Goodbye.
