Anyway, I’m blathering already.

I gave up on this blog because I became a bit discouraged.  The thing is, I’m a coward and self-contradicting.  I wanted EVERYONE to read this blog, but I didn’t want anyone I knew in real life to see it.  So that was dumb.  I became discouraged because people were reading it that I didn’t want to, and then I was discouraged that no one was reading it at all.  Silly me.

And now, it seems, I am back.  I don’t really know why.  Part of  me just feels like I should start writing more. I don’t expect to be good at it.  I’ve never been very eloquent, or observant, or witty…or anything.  I just am who I am.  And I need to write.  My brain needs to practice forming sentences and my thoughts need to work on arrange themselves in a way that makes sense.  And so here I am.  Getting a workout in at the end of my day.

Man, I am out of shape.

December 1One Word.
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
(Author: Gwen Bell)

2010 has been a very pivotal year for me.  Well, more like it’s been a pivotal year for those around me and for people in my life, which has lit a fire under my own butt.  My day to day life hasn’t changed much.  I have the same job, I’m still not in school, I still live with my parents, etc., but I think some of my mindset has changed.

At the beginning of this year, Jacob got engaged, and I haven’t really spoken to him since.  Not too long after that, John gave up on me, despite how hard I was trying to believe in him and prove myself to him, in a way.  Then Jacob got married and John started dating someone, confirming my suspicions about the situation.  And after all of this, I was feeling pretty shitty.  I felt worthless.

As far as work was concerned, I was feeling pretty neutral.  I wasn’t too confident in my ability to do my job, and I was feeling a little bummed in the spring because a lot of people were learning the attraction I wanted most.  And then in June I learned that attraction!  And then I fucked up on that attraction.  And then I started feeling overlooked and unappreciated.  And then I started to feel jealous of the fellow cast member I’m closest too, which is never a good feeling.

And school…well.  I just couldn’t get a grip during Spring.  And I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to do, and which path I wanted to take to get there, wherever “there” was.  And so I just stopped.  I quit.

But then things changed.  And I  hate to say it, because I hate to be this type of girl, but the change started with a boy.  Actually, the same boy that I was jealous of at work, oddly enough.  It’s not that I needed him to feel like a complete person, because I felt like a complete person.  I just felt like a complete person  that no one wanted.  Anyway, Jared and I were already friends, but then he started being even kinder to me than I was used to, and we had a few sincere moments (he and I are both very sarcastic) and that alone helped a lot.  But then we started dating, and my world changed.  I didn’t have any epiphanies, I didn’t magically realize that John and Jacob just weren’t right for me, because I already knew that.  I didn’t realize what love was, because I had already been in love.  I guess the only eye-opener was that Jared truly appreciates me.  And that does a lot for one’s confidence, no matter how independent he or she may be.

And then I started working in Toontown more, which is where I really know my shit.  And I started making decisions and handling situations on my own, and succeeding.  And then at Storybook (which is where I had screwed up) I started feeling more confident and handling situations a bit more.  I still have moments at work where I feel a little jipped or unappreciated, but it’s getting a lot better and I’m looking forward to proving myself, especially in Toontown, since I want to be a trainer there.

As for school and career plans, I think I finally have one that I can stick with.  Carrying out the plan may be a bit of a struggle since I’ll be moving out soon-ish (hopefully) and that will put a strain on the finances, and school is expensive.  But I have the plan.  And it’s fairly clear and concise, and I’m looking forward to being able to follow through with it.

I hope that 2011 can be described as settled. I don’t mean completely settled, though.  Not in every aspect of my life, anyway.  I want to be settling into a new role at work.  The role of Toontown trainer.  And I want to feel completely comfortable and confident at Storybook, and classics too.  Because I eventually want to train at Book too, so I want to be on the way to feeling ready for that.  I want to be settled into a new place, and a new financial independence from my parents.  I want to be settling back into a school routine, even if I can’t afford full time classes, I want to be at least taking baby steps.  And, if things are still as amazing as they are now, I want to remain settled with my current relationship status.  And if fate would have Jared and I going our separate ways, I hope that we can maintain a good working relationship.  I want 2011 to be the year that I start living up to my potential and buckling down and accomplishing what I want and know I can do.

this post is in participation with #reverb10.

things I want

tequila.

this hat.

these gloves.

these socks.

this dress.

these shoes.

this necklace.

these earrings.

and these earrings too.

and this boy.

]]> http://thunkedandbefuddled.wordpress.com/2010/09/30/things-i-want/feed/ 1 alissalo tequila bowler hat guy! gloves sox seneca falls in blackberry delicious shoes rosary necklace bow earrings crying heart earrings jared trying to ignore me shouting at him from casey jr. http://thunkedandbefuddled.wordpress.com/2010/09/27/i-dont-think-you-realize/ http://thunkedandbefuddled.wordpress.com/2010/09/27/i-dont-think-you-realize/#comments Mon, 27 Sep 2010 22:47:47 +0000 Alissa http://thunkedandbefuddled.wordpress.com/?p=745 ]]> How close I was to telling you I loved you.  I had to stop myself on more than one occasion.  So forgive me for feeling a bit betrayed.  I thought we were on the same page, but I guess we weren’t even in the same book.  It’s not anyone’s fault, I just need some time to hate you for a bit.  Just give me this much please.

I meant what I said.  I do love you no matter what.  I promise I’ll come around.  Just not right now.  I’m gonna be selfish for a little bit.

I don’t know when I got this way, but I kinda love it.

I almost bought five inch heels today.   WHAT.  So if this blog becomes too girly for you…I understand.

I’m invited to the wedding, of course.  It’s in 11 days.  I decided today that I’m not going.  I can pretend that I feel bad about missing it, but I don’t.

I actually have valid reasons for missing it, in case he bothers to find out why I didn’t show.  For one, it’s a Wednesday night during my first week of classes for the fall semester.  Not only that, work requires 5 days of availability up until Labor Day.  So I need Monday off for school, and would prefer to have Tuesdays off as well, because I need to have at least one day a week without class or work.  Wednesday I have class in the morning, and the wedding starts at 6 PM.  Doable, but a little tight.  Not only that, I requested the Wednesday off for his wedding already, but before I scheduled classes and put in the planning form for work.  It’s all one big mess now and while I could work it out it’s going to be difficult.  Everyone that I could trade shifts with will also have to work around their brand new schedules.  You see?  Highly inconvenient.  And, I’m sorry, but my education and ability to keep a job are more important to me than his wedding.

But outweighing even all of these fairly legitimate excuses is the fact that I do not approve of this union.  He doesn’t need my approval, and I know that, but I’m just saying.  They’ve only been dating since Christmas of 2009.  They had been dating for a month and a half when he proposed.  She is only 18 years old.  I know I’m not much older but I’ve at least lived outside my church’s universe at one point in my life.   She doesn’t know anything, and she is going to regret marrying a man who is only interested in getting married, not so much in marrying the right person.  I know this, because in September of 2009 he was talking about marrying me.  And less than six months later he’s engaged to someone else.

I know what he would say if he was reading this as I typed it.  He would say that he prayed about it, and that he felt the Spirit guiding him in this decision.  I would tell him that, as he often reminded me, sometimes we convince ourself that we feel the Spirit telling us that something is right when we really just want it.  He just wants to get married.  He’s been relentlessly focused on that one goal since he got off the plane from Nicaragua.  He wants 3 kids by the time he’s 30 years old.  And he will get his way with his little wifey.  And she will be 26 with 3 kids.  He’s going to be a choir teacher.  She’s not going to have a job.  She’s not going to have anything that isn’t attached to him.  She isn’t going to be a person anymore.  She’s going to be his wife and that’s all.

He and I have only talked once (briefly, in text message form) since he got engaged on Feb. 13th.  He and I will never see each other again, really, once he’s married, whether I go to the wedding or not.  And I’m okay with that.  I used to not be, but lately, the more I think about it, I’ve realized how happy I am without the stress of him in my life.  I just always felt the need to have his approval, even after we broke up, and I always fell back into that pattern when he was a part of my life.  And I am okay with losing that feeling forever.

So, to end this little post that turned into a bit of a rant, good luck.  Best wishes, I guess, Jacob.  It has been lovely knowing you.  I’m sure I’ll still miss you occasionally.  Goodbye.

Oh, hey, speaking of clicking… While you’re enjoying Tim’s hilarity, go ahead and click on that little vote button under the video.  It’s so easy, and you’re already on the site, right?  So just go ahead and vote…easy as pie.

OK but seriously do it.  And if you really liked his bit (or if you just really like me and want me to be happy) you can vote once every single day!  Crazy but true!

Thanks so much readers!  You’re helping dreams become reality, which is what I do for a living so I know what I’m talking about when I say it feels good.

Alissa

ps: here’s a happy little url to use if you want to share this with YOUR friends… http://tinyurl.com/TimBabbKTLA

current price is $150 (down from $250)

ship to:
1234 I Wish Dr.
Keep Dreamin’, USA  90210

sigh.

The day after he died I wrote up some memories I have of Opa.  One was that he taught me that little rhyme “Here is the church, here is the steeple, open the door…and here’s all the people!” along with the little hand trick where you interlace your fingers and put your thumb and index finger out, then when you get to the people part you flip your hand over and wiggle your fingers…as if they are people.  Get it?  Got it?  Good.

So I think I want that little poem written out along with an outline of the hand in the flipped over position with the fingers out.  And then, in smaller print, just “Opa” and his birth and death dates.  I just don’t know where I want them all in relation to each other.  And where to put it on my flesh.

I shall keep you updated!  Hopefully this will be made a reality by the end of the year, preferably around August 13th (which is a Friday this year).  If you’re really smart you may have guessed that August 13th was Opa’s birthday.

Alissa

PS: If anyone reading knows of any really good and reputable tattoo artists/salons within the Inland Empire, the OC, or maybe even LA or San Diego (if I feel really good about a place or particular artist I’d be willing to commute a bit), let me know!  I don’t know many people with tattoos who actually got them in my area so I am open to any suggestions.  Don’t worry about expense either, I’ll worry about that later.

I think eggs will be the first to go.  Or, and this thought is just occurring to me, I’ll concentrate on both eggs and dairy in their primary forms first.  Like, no eggs or milk or cheese or anything else obvious like that, and then eventually I’ll start worrying about the ingredients of other things.  Like Oreos or bread or French toast.

I’m very nervous.  Very.  But this whole hellish process will be worth it.  Because then I’ll be able to say I’m vegan.  Very vegan.  I can say “Verily, I say unto you, I am very vegan!” because I really like alliteration.