move on.

if you don’t know where you’re going
you’ve gone.

just keep moving on.

I chose and my world was shaken, so what?
the choice may have been mistaken…
but choosing was not.

it’s hard to do. i have a choice to be making very soon. ridiculously soon. and it will change my life for freakin ever. Oh Cal State Fullerton…why do you tease me so?
and then theres the men in my life. Jeremy, first and foremost [of course]. But theres also Jacob. Sorry, but until I’m married he will always be a factor. I hate to make my decisions based around a relationship, but being away from Jeremy is not something I want right now. I mean, we’ll have this whole year to figure ish out but still. Because I don’t want to fuck things up between us by doing the whole long-distance thing. Call me crazy, but I am terrified of us hating each other in the end because we ruined a good thing by making it long-distance. But then what does that mean? And as for Jacob, well. He’s Jacob. And he tends to get what he wants, because thats the way he is. And what he wants is a temple marraige with me as his bride. And guess where he goes to school…Cal State Fullerton. And he’d be getting back the same year that I transfer. So I kinda cannot help but worry. For those of you who don’t understand why I can’t just tell him to piss off…during high school I wrote about 20 blogs or so [maybe not that many, but a lot] saying that things were totally over between Jacob and I and that I didn’t want any of his crap and yadda yadda and we all know how that turned out. Dated for two years and were planning on getting married when he got back. But also…I miss that fool. And if I continue at SSU I probably won’t even get to see him at all when he gets back and we’ll have to wait until like…December…which maybe isn’t a big deal [you’d think that after two years of not seeing each other 3 months would be nothing] but I think that’d drive us both a little bit crazy.
Speaking of Jacob, I’ve been having a lot of dreams about him lately. Probably every night for the past few weeks, with the exception of two nights when I simply didn’t sleep. Well, I shouldn’t say they were about him. Some definitely were but a lot of them were just dreams and he was in them for a little bit. The one last night was about him getting back and he and I getting back together…and I think I said in the dream that “things can finally get back to normal” or something. That was a weird one. Since things were never normal when he was around. Another dream that I had over the weekend was just he and I driving around Corona and listening to ‘You Can Call Me Al’ and Oingo Boingo.
Anyway, the other thing about transfering is, well…hm. Well now that I think about there aren’t really anymore big issues. I’ll just get a job and an apartment. Wow. So I guess the only reason[s] I haven’t made up my mind completely yet are Jeremy and Jke. How stupid is that? [no offense to parties involved]
If I were single and unnattached and not worried about Jacob my mind would be made up. So does that mean I should be going regardless?

Anyway, classes…yes. So school is in session and my classes are pretty shweet. Theory is going to pwn…because it’s theory and Dr. Wilson is the best prof. ever!
ENSP is going to turn me into a hippy, and I’m going to prolly bug the crap out of my dad spewing out the knowledge that I gain from this course, but oh well. Either that or it will scare me shitless. Prolly a bit of both.
Astronomy is going to be mildly interesting I guess. I’m kinda indifferent toward this one as of yet. I don’t have the book for it yet and usually I would just share with Sara but since we have to have a book so we can get the online access…yea. Lame. [ps: paying money so we can have online access so we can do our homework is so gay. and not in a fabulous way.]
Keyboard is gonna be fine, I guess. I just have never been good about practicing [it’s why I gave up trumpet] and I get really frustrated with proper fingering for the piano. That being said, I have to learn it eventually, and may as well do it at school, yanno? The Clavinovas in the keyboard lab are amazing, too. I thought we were going to have dinky little Casios or something, but no. We get Clavis that are sooo much more amazing than the ones we had at SHS. The only prob is that there’s already some douche who plays whatever music he wants all the time while the teacher is talking, and she has a little old lady voice that is hard to hear over his “brilliance”.
Choir is choir is choir. We’re finally doing ‘Sing Me to Heaven’ which is awesome…but I pretty much hate the Gloria and I’m getting sick of Magnificat.
And I think I’m going to love MUS 150 [Survey of U.S. Music]. I have heard bad things about the professor [mostly from Sara] but I personally think he’s amazing. He’s done a lot of great things with music and has a similar career path to what I’d like. Basically, he’s all over the map. And I’ve always admired people whose careers are all over the place. I feel like he and I could have a lot of long conversations. And the whole music thing is cool too. I mean, it’s gonna get a little tedious listening to music [like, really listening] for a few hours a week AND going to 10 concerts in one semester [I don’t have the money for such shenanigans] but I’m sure I’ll enjoy it overall.
And on September 8th I’m going to the open rehearsal for SSU Chambers and quite possibly signing up for an audition date and then hopefully getting in. But the rehearsals are Monday 7-9:40pm and thats a little bit annoying. Oh well. Chamber choir is good. And I feel like I should start auditioning for things.

This blog was a lot longer than I had expected it to be. I guess I was just kinda free-writing. For those of you who read the whole thing, thanks!

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3 thoughts on “stop worrying where you’re going

  1. yes this blog was very long

    i have an almost equally long one that i just posted

    but i think long ones are good cuz i get more of an update on your life

    anyways

    i think you already know how i feel about the whole csuf jeremy/jke situation but always remember that i want you to be happy and whatever makes you happy makes me happy

    yay for sing me to heaven to chamber singers (hopefully)

    love you muchos

    “xbslx”

  2. those are things that I’ve worried about all summer, hence all my drama, blah blah blah. but I’ve always thought about something that we need to do that is a bit difficult for us, and that’s talking about stuff like this. that’s really how the worrying can be dealt with for the most part.
    I’m always here for you, whenever you need anything. remember that.

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