I love him so much.
damn.

maybe my uterus is driving my hormones into a frenzy which is driving me into a frenzy which is making me fall even more head over heels in love with this kid. man. guy. whatever he is. but I’m scaring myself.

as wonderful as it feels and as wonderful as it is to feel this way…
I don’t want to do that whole Jacob thing again. I don’t wanna be that stupid girl who falls madly in love and gets so hung up not only on a guy but on the idea of being with that guy and the future that they envisioned together.
It kinda hit me the other day that I really don’t love Jacob anymore. Like, obviously I haven’t for awhile, but it just hit me all of a sudden. Jacob is just a friend. Like..I dunno. I’m probably sounding retarded. But it’s weird when for over a year of my life [altho for a big chunk of that I wasn’t openly admitting it] I loved Jacob so ridiculously much that it was, well, ridiculous. And I planned so much of my life around him that it’s literally life-changing to realize that it is totally done. Like…it’s the past. And as much as I still love him in the platonic sense [how could I not?] sometimes I feel like I don’t want to/can’t be friends with him. Not because of the whole “old feelings” thing, or the fact that he’s still in love with me [or so he thinks] but because I might not even want him as a friend…which is really weird. And maybe mean-spirited. I don’t know. I mean, it’s not like I want to cut him out of my life [altho it might simplify some things] or that I don’t want us to be friends…I guess what I mean is I don’t know if he and I can even be besties. We can be close casuals. Friend of a friend type thing. I apologize for the rambling, btw.
Here’s an example of how much things have changed:
-Before, I was planning to go to SSU while he was gone and transfer to CSUF for the SOLE PURPOSE of being with Jke. And getting married. And all that jazz. I actually chose to attend SSU with the intent of leaving.
-Now, Jke was one of the reasons I hesitated about transferring. [oh, btw, I’ve chosen to transfer. I figured now that I’ve told Jeremy I might as well make it known to the WORLD.]

I have such a headache right now.

Also, his emails have been annoying/frustrating/angering me more and more lately. When he says “I love you and miss you too, but you need to go to church.” or similar things, I just want to punch him. I don’t know how many times he and I have talked about religion and such like. I know it’s hard for him to understand the fact that all churches, no matter how regularly I go or how involved I am in the church community, make me extremely uncomfortable. I can agree with everything everyone is saying and I will feel out of place. I never feel like I should be in a church. That’s not to say I don’t have faith. I do. A pretty strong one, I think. I just don’t like church. I’ll read scriptures, I’ll watch conferences and listen to talks, I’ll read essays, I’ll pray daily and talk to my close friends about my beliefs [for the most part] but I do not like church. I just feel weird. It’s just the way I am. Jacob cannot understand that. And I’ve tried so hard to explain it to him. And when that didn’t work back in the day I just bit my tongue and went to church regularly and got involved and dealt with church people and felt uncomfortable and hated it.
[tangent: that doesn’t mean I don’t go to church for special occasions. weddings, funerals, missionary farewells and returns, etc. that’s fine. those are the few occasions when I feel comfortable in a church.]
Anyway. He doesn’t get it. And it’s been a constant…thing…between he and I. And whether he and I are a couple or not he’s always gonna nag about it. He’s always going to judge me. And even with us being nothing but friends, I’m always going to have to pretend, at least a little bit. Jacob is one of those people. Everybody wants to please him. Even if that means losing part of themselves.

I just realized that I’m painting a horrible picture of Jke right now. Which I don’t want to do. While he judges, he does it in the nicest way possible. Because he doesn’t realize he’s doing it. And he never demands that others change to please him. We just decide to do it. He has that damn charisma. And while he did make me change some things lifestyle wise, he NEVER made me feel like I had to change any aspect of my personality. Maybe my language or dance moves, but never my personality. I was always able to be my complete dorky self. I could sing annoying songs [with one exception] and sing badly/loudly in the car and flip off other drivers [that was one vulgarity he applauded, haha] and make stupid poop jokes, and burp as loudly as I wanted, and even force him to eat onions as often as I wanted.

This blog has gone seriously off-topic. It was supposed to be about how much I love Jeremy. [a lot, bee tee dub] and then it wandered into nervousness due to Jacob experiences, which I feel makes sense. Because I loved Jke a lot once upon a time. And then it went into a frustrated rant. Interesting how my brain works.

Goodness gracious. It’s 2:45 am. I need to sleep. I tried to earlier, but I got a tummy-ache.

Anyway, the point is…
I love Jeremy mucho grande a lot-ness. [how articulate] But I don’t want to lose myself again. I don’t want to get caught up in something and plan my life around some dude [no offense] and have to rearrange my life when things don’t work out. It’s scary shit, this love business. No, seriously. I’m serious. Really. Believe it, bitches. I’m being weird. Sorry.
Also, I don’t like going to church. Apparently. Haha.

I don’t really know what inspired this either. I know I was overwhelmed by emotions toward that boyfriend of mine and decided to post a short blog [ha] saying that I loved him. [I really planned to leave it at that.] But I cannot remember for the life of me what thought or outside source caused me to be overwhelmed with said emotion…

Oh em gee Alissa STFU!!! Damn I ramble soooo much when I’m tired. I’m gonna go try this sleep thing again. Hopefully I won’t feel like vomitting again. le shrug.

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODNITE/MORNING VIETNAM/BLOGOSPHERE!!!!!!!!!!!

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3 thoughts on “this started with one sentiment and wandered into another

  1. that’s quite a lot of stuff to be thinking about at 3 in the morning. well, who could argue that? especially when love is the thought.
    anyway, we can chat about this later.
    I love you (and I’m pretty sure you knew that…)

  2. ok on the love thing (i know this is gonna sound lame and cliche) but follow your heart, nothing will be able to tell you what is best for YOU better than that.

    and on the church thing, since you said you have a strong faith, maybe the reason that you are uncomfortable in church is because you haven’t found the right church/church family for you? idk i know that i was uncomfortable in the church i worked at (no offense jeremy and justin, but that wasn’t really my crowd) but i loved the church i grew up in, but i still don’t think it was my church home, and i found bidwell presbyterian in chico, and i’m SO happy, i love the pastors (yes plural) and the the other people in the congregation and everything, so maybe you just haven’t found the right church. idk i don’t want to tell you what to do or anything, so yeah

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