it’s been weeks since I wrote jacob.  emailed.  whatever.  I feel bad, but I really just don’t want to talk to him these days.  and with Christmas coming up he’s gonna want to know about the Christmas call.  I don’t know if I want to sit thru that either.  I don’t miss him anymore.  His absence has become so normal.  I don’t really remember what he looks like.  Yea, I have pictures.  But I don’t remember what it’s like to stand next to him and just look at him.  And the only reason I remember his voice is because I save that one voicemail back when we were semi-together.  And I can’t really bring myself to delete it.  I only ever listen to it when my phone is warning me that it’ll be auto-deleted and I have to resave it.  And that one time when I decided to show it to Jeremy.  I don’t really know why I did that.  So he’d know how crazy I am?  I dunno.

Jacob and I are so ridiculously different now.  I don’t really feel like explaining to him everything thats going on my life, because he’s gonna give me advice and stuff…which is nice.  But I’m just tired of hearing it.  Especially from him.  And then he’s gonna ask me about church.  And then we do the dance.  We’ve had the same conversation so many times.  I think he refuses to see that I’m not the girl he left behind anymore.  Not that I was ever really truly that girl.  I thought I was, but I was fooling myself.  Some things were true.  I do want to have a family, and all that…I guess I never pretended to want things for myself that I didn’t…I just pretended to be okay with the timing.  Or maybe I was foolish enough to think I did want it right away.  But I know that if I were to settle down and get married right now (or within the next year or so anyway) I would always regret it.

I’m just tired of talking to him.  I can’t straight up tell him everything. For one, it would hurt him.  Especially via email.  (then again, how am I supposed to tell him?) And mostly it would be distracting.  He’s on his mission.  He needs to focus on his work in Nicaragua.  He needs to keep his mind on what Heavenly Father has sent him there for, and what He has planned for him to do.  God’s plan…and I really feel like God’s plan for Jacob no longer includes me.  At least not in the same way.  But I don’t really think he and I can be friends either.  We loved each other too much.  We’ve been through too much.  Is that possible?  To go through too much with someone to remain friends?  It’s not like the stuff we went through was bad.  In fact, the vast majority of it was great and wonderful and beautiful and (forgive me for being cheesy) pure.

Ugh.  Maybe it’s all me.  Maybe it’s all my fault.  I know for a fact that I have been (and continue to) behave in ways that are not suitable in the Lord’s eyes.  And that’s what has caused me to change the most.  I’ve had alcohol, I’ve been drinking coffee like a pro, I’m terribly addicted to caffeine, I curse like a sailor (well, when I’m driving), I’ve danced provacatively, I certainly haven’t been dressing as modestly as I should be (orange shirt anyone?), and I’ve “kissed passionately” for longer than two seconds.  Plus I haven’t been to church in forever.  And I can’t tell Jacob this.  How do you tell someone like him something(s) like that?  You just don’t.  So what do you do?  Pretend via emails that you haven’t done these things?  Pretend that your world hasn’t been turned upside down by the shitty America we live in these days?  Pretend that you voted for McCain?  And Yes on 8?  Pretend pretend pretend.  And if you do that, what happens when he gets back?  Do you show him the real you right away, or in small doses?  Do you even remain in touch?  Do you take the leap of faith and expect him to just accept you (as a friend) for who you are?  Do you baby him through the process of realizing this is what you have been all along?  And how do you help him when you’ve already moved on?


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