That was the most shocking moment of my life.  Somehow I always find these things out at the worst times.  I don’t know why I’m taking this so badly.  Maybe because I feel guilty for not getting to know him well enough when I had the chance.  Maybe because I gave up on keeping in touch with him after everything that happened between me and Ryan.  Maybe because I’m realizing how much I was depending on Grant.

I knew Grant would take care of Ryan.  I knew that even though I was causing Ryan unforgivable pain, he would be okay.  Because he had Grant.  That’s not to say Ryan didn’t have other friends.  I don’t want to paint an inaccurate picture.  But Grant was a brother to him.  And I know that what I put Ryan through is nothing compared to how he’s going to feel while dealing with this.  And now he doesn’t have Grant to help him through it.  And now I don’t have Grant to make me feel okay about Ryan.

Grant was a great friend.  He was a great person.  He was funny (although not always on purpose) and pretty clever.  He was fun to be around.  And he was the only one of Ryan’s friends to give me the time of day and talk to me like I was a person aside from being Ryan’s girlfriend.  And I really loved that about him.  Believe it or not, he and I had an inside joke.  Only one, but considering the circumstances that was pretty remarkable.  I’m really sad that I can’t really remember it fully now.

I want to go to Grant’s funeral, if I’m able to find out when/where it is.  But at the same time…I don’t want to make things any harder for Ryan by being there.  Not that I would even dare to talk to him or anything.  But I know by merely being there I would make him uncomfortable.  That being said, I really want to pay my respects to Grant.  I really don’t know what to do.  But I think in the long run Ryan needs to grieve more than I do.  Ryan needed Grant more than I did.  And so I think I’ll give him that.  I wish I could do more for him.  I really do.  But this is all I can do to help him.  And so I’ll do it.

Grant…I will miss you.  I already did miss your company.  And now knowing that I’ll never get the chance to be in your good graces again I’m gonna miss you and the time that we did spend together even more.

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