I’ve gotten to the point where I can just accept things, yanno? I’m very proud of myself for that much. And I’m proud of myself for having the guts to be honest about my feelings, rather than hiding them out of pride or something similarly stupid. And the old me would have had a fit about this. I would be crying and going to bed early and sleeping all day every day for the rest of the week, at least. Or really wanting to. And I’ll admit, I’m not happy about it. But I’m not a mess either. That much shows that I have indeed “changed and matured” (although I find it a teensy bit insulting that he didn’t realize that before. How couldn’t I have?) and I am becoming my own person. Sure, I’m willing to work things out and sacrifice. But to what extent?
His response wasn’t exactly what I was hoping for, but in a way I’m glad he did react this way. He inadvertently reminded me of how things were, in a realistic way. He smacked the fairy tale right out of my mind. But along with that comes the thread of doubt.
I had hoped we were past this. I’m trying my best to go through the motions, and I’ve tried time and time again to show him how difficult it is for me to be exactly what he expects. I really feel like I can be there for him without being on the same level as him. I did it before, so why couldn’t I do it again? And I feel that the challenges that our differences bring should not be looked at as challenges at all, but opportunities. In him lies the opportunity for me to learn a lot about our faith, and to gain a testimony…and so much more. In me lies the opportunity for him to continue doing the good work after he gets back. And I know for a fact that sharing his faith is one of his favorite things to do. He likes to mentor people in that sense, and who better than me? Lord knows I could use a mentor-type. I have zero friends within the church these days.
I suppose I should see this as motivation to prove my worth, but I almost see this as a reason to just throw in the towel. I’m kinda tired of having to prove myself to people. He isn’t without his own flaws, but I’ve always accepted him as he is. I think the one thing I’ve ever tried to change about him was his refusal to eat onions. Big whoop. He’s trying to change the way I go about expressing my spirituality and my relationship with God. I’m not sure how I feel about that quite yet.