So lately I’ve been coming to terms with the fact that the life I had always had in the back of my mind for myself is out of the question.  It’s been an interesting journey.  In a way it’s a relief, a joy…a victory, even.  I finally learned that I deserve to be with someone that loves me and takes me as I am.  I’m really starting to understand what I need for myself, and I’m starting to realize that I deserve that much at the very least.  I’m very thankful that I’ve been given this wake-up call.  I didn’t want it at the time, and I didn’t like it at first, but I’m glad it happened.  The scary thing is that I almost ignored said wake-up call, but thanks to blogging out some feelings (and the comments of some friends) I snapped to.

That being said, I’m scared.  I had a pretty concrete plan, and I’ve had this plan since I was 17 years old.  I had other friends going along with this plan and supporting it.  I had a timeline.  I had everything figured out.  Now what do I do, yanno?  So many things relied on this timeline, and now I have to start over.

I think I have to get used to the idea that I have time.  My timeline was ahead of the curve, so to speak.  I just have this mindset, thanks to my old plan, that I have to get a new plan right away.  ASAP.  Now.  But I don’t.  I just need to remind myself of that every now and again.  I have good days and bad days.  A few days ago I was fine with the whole thing.  It was freeing.  I was happy and blissfuly plan-free.  Not tied down, unattached, and glad to be so.  But today I’ve been feeling overwhelmed.  Vulnerable, lost, and not so glad anymore.

It’s just such a mess.  It’s a beautiful, frightening, freeing, chaotic mess.


2 thoughts on “BEDA: I’m in the wrong story

  1. that last phrase describes life in general. i supported the plan cuz i thought it was gonna make you happy and it was what you wanted and i didnt know that ‘he’ was a douchebag. but i must say that i also support this new plan…which is to not have a plan at all. were young. lets not have a plan…at least for like marriage and shit. lets just…get jobs…and got to school…and shit. and have fun…oh so much fun. im starting to realize life wouldnt have been so much fun if 11/5/11 actually happened. so…ya…lets have fun. cuz that we do. that, as it turns out, is the way we get by.

  2. The thing is, he’s not a douchebag at all. Sure, initially it was easy to say that, but he’s simply a man who has experienced things in the past two years (ish) that have led him to have a better understanding of what he wants and needs. And that’s fine. I have a better understanding of what I want and need too. That’s life. I can’t villainize him for being honest.

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