So lately I’ve been coming to terms with the fact that the life I had always had in the back of my mind for myself is out of the question. It’s been an interesting journey. In a way it’s a relief, a joy…a victory, even. I finally learned that I deserve to be with someone that loves me and takes me as I am. I’m really starting to understand what I need for myself, and I’m starting to realize that I deserve that much at the very least. I’m very thankful that I’ve been given this wake-up call. I didn’t want it at the time, and I didn’t like it at first, but I’m glad it happened. The scary thing is that I almost ignored said wake-up call, but thanks to blogging out some feelings (and the comments of some friends) I snapped to.
That being said, I’m scared. I had a pretty concrete plan, and I’ve had this plan since I was 17 years old. I had other friends going along with this plan and supporting it. I had a timeline. I had everything figured out. Now what do I do, yanno? So many things relied on this timeline, and now I have to start over.
I think I have to get used to the idea that I have time. My timeline was ahead of the curve, so to speak. I just have this mindset, thanks to my old plan, that I have to get a new plan right away. ASAP. Now. But I don’t. I just need to remind myself of that every now and again. I have good days and bad days. A few days ago I was fine with the whole thing. It was freeing. I was happy and blissfuly plan-free. Not tied down, unattached, and glad to be so. But today I’ve been feeling overwhelmed. Vulnerable, lost, and not so glad anymore.
It’s just such a mess. It’s a beautiful, frightening, freeing, chaotic mess.