December 1One Word.
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
(Author: Gwen Bell)

2010 has been a very pivotal year for me.  Well, more like it’s been a pivotal year for those around me and for people in my life, which has lit a fire under my own butt.  My day to day life hasn’t changed much.  I have the same job, I’m still not in school, I still live with my parents, etc., but I think some of my mindset has changed.

At the beginning of this year, Jacob got engaged, and I haven’t really spoken to him since.  Not too long after that, John gave up on me, despite how hard I was trying to believe in him and prove myself to him, in a way.  Then Jacob got married and John started dating someone, confirming my suspicions about the situation.  And after all of this, I was feeling pretty shitty.  I felt worthless.

As far as work was concerned, I was feeling pretty neutral.  I wasn’t too confident in my ability to do my job, and I was feeling a little bummed in the spring because a lot of people were learning the attraction I wanted most.  And then in June I learned that attraction!  And then I fucked up on that attraction.  And then I started feeling overlooked and unappreciated.  And then I started to feel jealous of the fellow cast member I’m closest too, which is never a good feeling.

And school…well.  I just couldn’t get a grip during Spring.  And I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to do, and which path I wanted to take to get there, wherever “there” was.  And so I just stopped.  I quit.

But then things changed.  And I  hate to say it, because I hate to be this type of girl, but the change started with a boy.  Actually, the same boy that I was jealous of at work, oddly enough.  It’s not that I needed him to feel like a complete person, because I felt like a complete person.  I just felt like a complete person  that no one wanted.  Anyway, Jared and I were already friends, but then he started being even kinder to me than I was used to, and we had a few sincere moments (he and I are both very sarcastic) and that alone helped a lot.  But then we started dating, and my world changed.  I didn’t have any epiphanies, I didn’t magically realize that John and Jacob just weren’t right for me, because I already knew that.  I didn’t realize what love was, because I had already been in love.  I guess the only eye-opener was that Jared truly appreciates me.  And that does a lot for one’s confidence, no matter how independent he or she may be.

And then I started working in Toontown more, which is where I really know my shit.  And I started making decisions and handling situations on my own, and succeeding.  And then at Storybook (which is where I had screwed up) I started feeling more confident and handling situations a bit more.  I still have moments at work where I feel a little jipped or unappreciated, but it’s getting a lot better and I’m looking forward to proving myself, especially in Toontown, since I want to be a trainer there.

As for school and career plans, I think I finally have one that I can stick with.  Carrying out the plan may be a bit of a struggle since I’ll be moving out soon-ish (hopefully) and that will put a strain on the finances, and school is expensive.  But I have the plan.  And it’s fairly clear and concise, and I’m looking forward to being able to follow through with it.

I hope that 2011 can be described as settled. I don’t mean completely settled, though.  Not in every aspect of my life, anyway.  I want to be settling into a new role at work.  The role of Toontown trainer.  And I want to feel completely comfortable and confident at Storybook, and classics too.  Because I eventually want to train at Book too, so I want to be on the way to feeling ready for that.  I want to be settled into a new place, and a new financial independence from my parents.  I want to be settling back into a school routine, even if I can’t afford full time classes, I want to be at least taking baby steps.  And, if things are still as amazing as they are now, I want to remain settled with my current relationship status.  And if fate would have Jared and I going our separate ways, I hope that we can maintain a good working relationship.  I want 2011 to be the year that I start living up to my potential and buckling down and accomplishing what I want and know I can do.

this post is in participation with #reverb10.

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