On Saturday the third, J and I went to an Idina Menzel concert at the Hollywood Bowl.  I hardly took any photos and I already feel like I’ve forgotten most of it.  Funny how the mind works.

What I haven’t forgotten is the weird feeling it left me with.  Idina Menzel represents everything I wanted to be in 2006.  She’s an impossibly talented belter with the spunk and attitude that every 90s girl power preaching kid aspires to have when she grows up.  Idina freakin’ Menzel!  She was the original Maureen from RENT.  The original Elphaba in Wicked.  The original green girl, as her merchandise proudly proclaims.   She went to NYU, which was my dream school once upon a time.  She has what used to be my dream career as a performer.  And there I was, in Hollywood (another town for dreamers) watching my former idol performing on stage.  In person!

There was a moment (a long moment, actually) during the concert when Idina ventured out into the audience and sang Take Me or Leave Me with some lucky fans.  One girl was probably about 16.  And she sang directly to Idina.  And she reminded me of myself nearly a decade (ugh) ago.  That girl wants to be a star.  I wanted to be a star.  We all wanted to be a star at some point, right?

What would 16 year old me think of 25 year old me sitting there in that crowd, enjoying herself but also stressing out about how she’s supposed to survive the next few days with no money.  Thinking about how dumb it was that we were at the Hollywood Bowl with no money in our bank accounts.  Obviously the tickets had been paid for with past money and shit had happened between then and now, but 16 year old me doesn’t know that.  18 year old me gave up music so that I wouldn’t have to be a starving artist with a shitty job.  A lot of good that did me.  Ha.  Now I’m just a starving talentless slob.

I have to keep believing that things will get better.  But when I’m sitting at the Hollywood Bowl watching Idina Menzel perform and the tears on my cheeks aren’t entirely tears of joy it’s hard to believe that life is gonna turn around.  When a fun event that you’ve been looking forward to for months turns into an evening of self-loathing and disappointment…  I dunno.

I don’t know what the point of this was.  I went to a concert.  I didn’t take any pictures.  The concert is over and I’ve had this weird feeling ever since.

I need to get back to work.  Too much time off and I start to come unraveled.

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