2015 is over.  And it ended on a sour note for me and my family.  On December 14th my maternal grandmother died, three days before I was heading up to visit her (among most of my other family members).  On December 21st my other grandma (who wasn’t technically my grandma but might as well have been) passed away, on the day I was leaving my family to come back home.  On December 19th, the day of our family Christmas party-turned-wake,  my great aunt died, rather unexpectedly.  I managed to work through Christmas and then ended up calling out of work for a few days because a lot of death puts things in perspective and my job really didn’t seem all that important at the time.  (It still doesn’t, to be honest, but I have bills to pay.)  I forgot to mention that the day after my grandma passed, J’s aunt died.  She wasn’t really close to any of her family but it still put a damper on the season.

It was a weird year, overall.  Earlier this year J’s maternal grandmother passed.  Work sent him flowers, which really pissed me off and made me irrationally jealous since I didn’t get flowers when my paternal grandmother died a few months prior to that, and then I felt embarrassed by my own pettiness.  And then…I don’t know.  I think ever since my Oma died in July 2014 I never really got a chance to get my head out of my weird head space.  Summer wasn’t great, my birthday landed in the midst of an identity crisis brought on by a manager’s ultimatum at work… And then for a brief period in late October I felt like I was getting into a nice groove.  I was posting somewhat regularly and I was writing (in general, not for the blog) and I was feeling reassured in my professional decisions.  But then work picked up again and the hustle and bustle of the holidays got in the way and just like that I was facing the same depressed mood that I had rung in 2015 with.

So now here I am.  Normally this post would involve a recap of last year’s resolutions, but I don’t think I made any.  If I did I have no idea what they were and I’m sure I failed at accomplishing all of them.  (I think I wanted to read one non-fiction book a month, but that might have been 2014.  No idea.)

This year I decided to hop onto the bandwagon of choosing one word to shape my year.  I dabbled with various words for various reasons… First I thought I would go with motivate, because I feel like I’ve been lacking drive recently.  Then I thought to myself “what even do I want to be motivating myself to do?” and really I had no answer to that.  So eventually I got to the word discover, because I wanted to figure out who I am, what I want to do, and how I’m going to accomplish my dreams.  That was closer, but I could already feel the pressure.  I change my mind so often that I knew the word discover would really stress me out after a few months.  I toyed with the word simplify, because I have way too much crap in my apartment, and I considered the word hustle for a second, but ultimately I have landed on the word balance.

I came to my word by writing up a paragraph summary of how I want 2016 to go.  What do I want to accomplish and who do I want to be by the end of this year?  I have some goals for work, I have aspirations for my personal life and relationships, and I have a need to take better care of myself this year (physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc.).  One of my biggest struggles in life is getting myself overwhelmed by throwing myself too heavily into one aspect of my life and letting others slip.  I have a tendency to be a control freak in some areas of my life (which is surprising to me because I always thought I was easy going…) and then I get so stressed that I give up on whatever it was that I cared so passionately about.  So this year I want to find and maintain a balance in my life by learning what I can delegate to others, taking time to stay in touch with my mother more (I mean, she had a pretty shitty 2015 too, to be frank), and taking more time off of work to recharge.  I had a lot of vacation hours left over at the end of 2015.  In 2016 I plan on using it all up.

I have some more concrete goals/resolutions for 2016, but I’ll save those for another post.  I won’t be sharing my work goals here (or if I do they’ll be in general terms) but my personal goals need some work since right now they are very general and I’m not setting myself up for success.

I usually have a witty or sarcastic remark for the end of my posts.  Not today.

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