So I’m back. I have a lot of reasons that I haven’t been around, some of them emotional, some of them technical, but the short version is: I’ve had a tough 8 weeks or so. The biggest emotional hurdle being that my Oma passed away. Her death came during an already sad week in my life, and all the inevitable family drama that came after just piled up in the compartment in my chest where I hide my feelings. She died the day after my friend Kevin’s birthday. Kevin committed suicide a few years ago. My friend Kevin’s birthday is also the anniversary of Disneyland’s opening, which may seem inconsequential until I remind you that I work at Disneyland and I always spend his birthday faking smiles and joy with my coworkers.
Anyway, after the drama settled down a bit after Oma’s death, Jared and I were driving home from Norcal (we had been visiting family and had also been to Washington for Oma’s memorial) when I saw the news that Robin Williams had killed himself. I can’t really say anymore about Robin that hasn’t already been said, but like most people my age he was a big part of my childhood, and my adulthood. I’ve always said that I wouldn’t know what to do when he and Tom Hanks died, since they both remind me of my father and represent a lot of memories, and given the emotional state I was already in because of my Oma… I just did not take the news very well.
Shortly after that I made the somewhat foolish decision to post something on Facebook in support of protesters in Ferguson. There are a few cops in my family, so I should have known better, but man did I get a shitstorm of anger from some relatives. I also got a lot of support from my like-minded friends, but no matter how calm, civil, or factual I was during the whole thing, the people that I love and respect treated me like dirt under their shoe. All sorts of logical fallacies were employed to derail the discussion and one cousin resorted to misogyny. When I called out the sexism (because I have the right to defend myself, just like he has the right to be rude) things got really out of control. My mother was messaging Jared giving him a bunch of shit about anything and everything, all of which unrelated to the actual topic at hand… It was ridiculous.
There has also been some mild conflict recently between me and my main manager at work, so things there have been a little tense for me… I’m just really on edge whenever he’s around, and I’ve tried to talk to him before to resolve some issues and address concerns that I’ve had so that we can maintain a professional relationship but I never feel like he’s taking me seriously or even listening to me, so I’ve basically given up. The most recent conversation we’ve had (which was a couple weeks ago because I avoid him and he’s been on vacation) involved him jokingly calling me rude for calling out of work one day. I told him “Well, it was bereavement so thanks for that.” He rolled his eyes and called me rude a second time. So, yeah, I’m pretty much done with him.
All of these…things, for lack of a better word, have kinda left me a shell of a person lately. I feel almost nothing. Except sadness and bitterness. Normally I would talk to my mom about this sort of thing but I just really don’t think that’s an option anymore since the last few times I showed emotion lately she’s yelled at me.
Also, Jared’s laptop broke and mine has been broken for a long time. So that’s just another thing to deal with.
I think it’s pretty ironic that all this shit, along with events I have not mentioned, started happening like a week after I posted a whole long post about having a positive outlook and changing my perspective. Way to put that to the test, life. Kudos.
I don’t really know what the point of this was really. I guess I just wanted to have some sort of record about how shitty this summer was? I don’t know. Maybe by getting all of this out I can start moving on with life. Jared has been great during all of this nonsense, but I can’t just be an emotional wreck all the time. I gotta give the kid a break now and then. I guess maybe that’s what this is about.
I want some ice cream.