brain exercise

I obviously have neglected this blog to the point where I almost forgot it existed.  But for whatever reason I always wanted this page to be  well-known and well-liked.  Honestly, I don’t really care about that anymore.  Why did I need to be seen by the world?  I see myself and my life is for me to live to the fullest.

Anyway, I’m blathering already.

I gave up on this blog because I became a bit discouraged.  The thing is, I’m a coward and self-contradicting.  I wanted EVERYONE to read this blog, but I didn’t want anyone I knew in real life to see it.  So that was dumb.  I became discouraged because people were reading it that I didn’t want to, and then I was discouraged that no one was reading it at all.  Silly me.

And now, it seems, I am back.  I don’t really know why.  Part of  me just feels like I should start writing more. I don’t expect to be good at it.  I’ve never been very eloquent, or observant, or witty…or anything.  I just am who I am.  And I need to write.  My brain needs to practice forming sentences and my thoughts need to work on arrange themselves in a way that makes sense.  And so here I am.  Getting a workout in at the end of my day.

Man, I am out of shape.

pivotal

December 1One Word.
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
(Author: Gwen Bell)

2010 has been a very pivotal year for me.  Well, more like it’s been a pivotal year for those around me and for people in my life, which has lit a fire under my own butt.  My day to day life hasn’t changed much.  I have the same job, I’m still not in school, I still live with my parents, etc., but I think some of my mindset has changed.

things I want

My birthday is coming up, and so I’m going to create a fantasy wish list.

things I want

tequila.

this hat.

I don’t think you realize

How close I was to telling you I loved you.  I had to stop myself on more than one occasion.  So forgive me for feeling a bit betrayed.  I thought we were on the same page, but I guess we weren’t even in the same book.  It’s not anyone’s fault, I just need some time to hate you for a bit.  Just give me this much please.

I meant what I said.  I do love you no matter what.  I promise I’ll come around.  Just not right now.  I’m gonna be selfish for a little bit.

I don’t know how it happened

I’ve become much more focused on all things chic lately.  Today, I was texting my bestest friend and future roomie about our future apartment and how we need to have coffee table books.  I’ve become obsessed with fashion…like, a lot.  I’ve always had the wedding bug but lately I’ve been designing whole weddings with a approximate budgets.  I’ve spent way more time on etsy in the last week than I did last month.  I’ve been spending more time reading College Fashion than  I have on Facebook lately.

I don’t know when I got this way, but I kinda love it.

I almost bought five inch heels today.   WHAT.  So if this blog becomes too girly for you…I understand.

I’m not going to the wedding.

I don’t recall if I ever mentioned it on here, but Jacob is getting married.  To someone who is decidedly not me.  She’s more like…me two or three years ago.  Young, stupid, and so in love she’s willing to give up her future for him.  Well, these things do happen.

I’m invited to the wedding, of course.  It’s in 11 days.  I decided today that I’m not going.  I can pretend that I feel bad about missing it, but I don’t.

I actually have valid reasons for missing it, in case he bothers to find out why I didn’t show.  For one, it’s a Wednesday night during my first week of classes for the fall semester.  Not only that, work requires 5 days of availability up until Labor Day.  So I need Monday off for school, and would prefer to have Tuesdays off as well, because I need to have at least one day a week without class or work.  Wednesday I have class in the morning, and the wedding starts at 6 PM.  Doable, but a little tight.  Not only that, I requested the Wednesday off for his wedding already, but before I scheduled classes and put in the planning form for work.  It’s all one big mess now and while I could work it out it’s going to be difficult.  Everyone that I could trade shifts with will also have to work around their brand new schedules.  You see?  Highly inconvenient.  And, I’m sorry, but my education and ability to keep a job are more important to me than his wedding.

But outweighing even all of these fairly legitimate excuses is the fact that I do not approve of this union.  He doesn’t need my approval, and I know that, but I’m just saying.  They’ve only been dating since Christmas of 2009.  They had been dating for a month and a half when he proposed.  She is only 18 years old.  I know I’m not much older but I’ve at least lived outside my church’s universe at one point in my life.   She doesn’t know anything, and she is going to regret marrying a man who is only interested in getting married, not so much in marrying the right person.  I know this, because in September of 2009 he was talking about marrying me.  And less than six months later he’s engaged to someone else.

I know what he would say if he was reading this as I typed it.  He would say that he prayed about it, and that he felt the Spirit guiding him in this decision.  I would tell him that, as he often reminded me, sometimes we convince ourself that we feel the Spirit telling us that something is right when we really just want it.  He just wants to get married.  He’s been relentlessly focused on that one goal since he got off the plane from Nicaragua.  He wants 3 kids by the time he’s 30 years old.  And he will get his way with his little wifey.  And she will be 26 with 3 kids.  He’s going to be a choir teacher.  She’s not going to have a job.  She’s not going to have anything that isn’t attached to him.  She isn’t going to be a person anymore.  She’s going to be his wife and that’s all.

He and I have only talked once (briefly, in text message form) since he got engaged on Feb. 13th.  He and I will never see each other again, really, once he’s married, whether I go to the wedding or not.  And I’m okay with that.  I used to not be, but lately, the more I think about it, I’ve realized how happy I am without the stress of him in my life.  I just always felt the need to have his approval, even after we broke up, and I always fell back into that pattern when he was a part of my life.  And I am okay with losing that feeling forever.

So, to end this little post that turned into a bit of a rant, good luck.  Best wishes, I guess, Jacob.  It has been lovely knowing you.  I’m sure I’ll still miss you occasionally.  Goodbye.

shameless promotion

But NOT self-promotion so it’s okay, right?  I know a lot of my regular readers already know of or are friends of or followers of Tim Babb but for the few who aren’t, you should really check him out.  He’s a hilarious comedian in LA who pretty much pwns the world with his comedy.  Now, I know you’re all busy people, you don’t have time to watch even a 5 minute clip of his stand-up on youtube.  I understand.  But, for your convenience, here is a nice little clip (UNDER TWO MINUTES WOW!) of his comedy!  Amazing!  Click away!

Oh, hey, speaking of clicking… While you’re enjoying Tim’s hilarity, go ahead and click on that little vote button under the video.  It’s so easy, and you’re already on the site, right?  So just go ahead and vote…easy as pie.

OK but seriously do it.  And if you really liked his bit (or if you just really like me and want me to be happy) you can vote once every single day!  Crazy but true!

Thanks so much readers!  You’re helping dreams become reality, which is what I do for a living so I know what I’m talking about when I say it feels good.

Alissa

ps: here’s a happy little url to use if you want to share this with YOUR friends… http://tinyurl.com/TimBabbKTLA

someday…

size 6 please.
engrave it if you want.  up to 3 letters.  only $30 more!

current price is $150 (down from $250)

ship to:
1234 I Wish Dr.
Keep Dreamin’, USA  90210

sigh.

tattoo thoughts

So I never got that tattoo two years about when Opa passed away.  But I still think my first tattoo should be a tribute to him.  I’ve been doing a lot of doodling and pondering memories of him.  I actually trolled my own blog to see how I felt when he died and gather what my strongest memories at the time were.  I’ve been reading some books about tattoos and looking at a lot of examples as well.  Been spending a lot of time Googling different typefaces and so on.  I think I’ve decided a general concept though.

The day after he died I wrote up some memories I have of Opa.  One was that he taught me that little rhyme “Here is the church, here is the steeple, open the door…and here’s all the people!” along with the little hand trick where you interlace your fingers and put your thumb and index finger out, then when you get to the people part you flip your hand over and wiggle your fingers…as if they are people.  Get it?  Got it?  Good.

So I think I want that little poem written out along with an outline of the hand in the flipped over position with the fingers out.  And then, in smaller print, just “Opa” and his birth and death dates.  I just don’t know where I want them all in relation to each other.  And where to put it on my flesh.

I shall keep you updated!  Hopefully this will be made a reality by the end of the year, preferably around August 13th (which is a Friday this year).  If you’re really smart you may have guessed that August 13th was Opa’s birthday.

Alissa

PS: If anyone reading knows of any really good and reputable tattoo artists/salons within the Inland Empire, the OC, or maybe even LA or San Diego (if I feel really good about a place or particular artist I’d be willing to commute a bit), let me know!  I don’t know many people with tattoos who actually got them in my area so I am open to any suggestions.  Don’t worry about expense either, I’ll worry about that later.

vegan.

yep.  I’m going there.  very, very…very gradually.  I’m having trouble deciding on whether or not I want to focus on cutting out eggs or dairy first.  (Eventually I’ll get around to those annoying aspects like gelatin and certain sugars and honey, but for now I’m doing things the easy way.)

I think eggs will be the first to go.  Or, and this thought is just occurring to me, I’ll concentrate on both eggs and dairy in their primary forms first.  Like, no eggs or milk or cheese or anything else obvious like that, and then eventually I’ll start worrying about the ingredients of other things.  Like Oreos or bread or French toast.

I’m very nervous.  Very.  But this whole hellish process will be worth it.  Because then I’ll be able to say I’m vegan.  Very vegan.  I can say “Verily, I say unto you, I am very vegan!” because I really like alliteration.