I don’t know what I’m doing here

I want to blog.

Ever since Xanga was a thing, I’ve been fascinated with blogs and blogging.  And before blogs, I was obsessed with journaling.  I think it all started with Harriet the Spy.  I remember having this weird little notebook that I had, and I pretended I was a spy and I would go around my complex (where there were hardly any kids to play with) and hide in bushes and “spy” on people.  I never actually peeked into people’s homes or anything because I was a chicken and terrified of getting caught. But I made up little stories about the lady walking her dog and the person who drove too fast over a speed bump anyway.  And even though in the original story, Harriet suffered for her notebook being found, I still dreamed that someone would find my notebook and I’d be famous.

I definitely wanted to be a writer.  More importantly, a FAMOUS writer.

Then blogging came into my life.  I wanted ALL the readers.  And the money.  I guess my dream job was something that allowed me to stay home and still get amazing opportunities that I had seen offered to other bloggers (and vloggers for that matter).

Now I’m not so concerned with the fame or money.  I mean, it’d sure be nice.  But I have a pretty cool job, and really I’m more concerned with not blogging in a way that jeopardizes my employment.

So I want to blog, but I have no direction.  There are so many types of bloggers that inspire me.  There are mommy bloggers, but I’m not married and I have no children.  And frankly, Jared takes care of me more than I do of him.

There are beauty bloggers and fashion bloggers, but as interested in beauty and fashion as I am, I’m not very good at it and I can’t afford to constantly review the staggering amount of new products that are released.  I’m too lazy to shave on a regular basis let alone try a new brand of foundation every day.  I don’t even wear makeup that often because it melts off at work.  Same with fashion.  I’m poor y’all, so my personal style usually involves jeans and some nerdy t-shirt.  And that’s only on my days off.  When I’m working I’m wearing company-provided clothing and when I get off work I put on pajamas right away.

And the list goes on and on.

So why do I even try?  I know I never post anything, but I can’t tell you how many times I open up WordPress and open a new post and then end up not typing anything.

I’m afraid but I don’t even know why.

Top Ten Tuesdays — Best Bookish Memories

Today I have a list.  About books.  This list is courtesy of The Broke and the Bookish, which is a lovely book blog I recently discovered.  I love books, I love lists…it’s fate.

1. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Midnight Release — My best friends from home and I have always been and always will be fans of Harry Potter.  I cannot even begin to describe how much the Harry Potter series has influenced my life and my friendships.  I graduated high school along with my closest friends on June 13th, 2007.  On July 21st of that year, the final Harry Potter book was released.  That was the last midnight gathering that my friends and I all participated in.  That whole summer is wrought with nostalgia for me, but the fact that two eras of my life were coming to an end that evening made this night especially emotional.  To be honest, I can’t remember all too many details about that night, and of course I didn’t take nearly enough photos, but I still get warm and fuzzy and a little bit sad whenever I think about it.
2. My first read through of Pride and Prejudice – I saw the 2005 movie before I ever read the novel, and I honestly did not like it.  And then I read this glorious book.  And I am obsessed.  It was such a satisfying feeling to finish this book and finally realize what was so great about the story and the characters.  Now I love every adaptation!  (Especially The Lizzie Bennet Diaries!)
3. The TFiOS Tour – I met John Green.  And Hank Green.  And Katherine Green.  And introduced my boyfriend to Nerdfighteria.  ’Nuff said.
   
4. Reading 1984 in school – My first dystopian novel.  The beginning of the end.  It freaked me out, bored me, intrigued me, and confused me all at once.  I want to read it again soon without having to worry about assignments or trying too hard to read into it.  
5. Wicked — I grew up obsessed with all things Oz.  The books, the movie, anything.  So when I heard about this novel about the Wicked Witch of the West I had to get it.  Honestly, it was a bit adult for me, but I loved it.  I’ve since read it countless times.  
6. All the years I volunteered at my local library — Honestly, toward the end I really hated it, even though I was the Vice President and then I think President (I don’t even remember, how sad) of something called the Teen Advisory Board.  We were a bunch of nerds trying to hold events in the library to get teens into said library.  But it got my picture in the paper!  It was a valuable experience despite how “over it” I was by the time I graduated high school.  I met a lot of great people through it, a few of which I’m still friends with, at least on Facebook.  And my favorite cousin was also on the board with me (he was president before me) and we still have lots of inside jokes from it.
7. Helping out with my younger cousin’s book fair — That’s right folks.  I worked (very briefly) at a SCHOLASTIC BOOK FAIR.  Be jealous book fiends.  I was even Clifford the Big Red Dog for a couple hours!  Or maybe 20 minutes.  It was a long time ago and I was really bad at it.  I talked almost immediately.
8. My dad trying (and failing) to get me to read the LOTR series — My dad is a nerd.  My dad is to LOTR and The Hobbit as I am to Harry Potter.  Shortly after the film adaptations of his favorite novels started coming out, he lent me his ancient copies of the books to read, and tried to get me hyped.  I couldn’t even get through the first book.  I don’t know if I was too young or what, but I hated it.  I’m going to try again soon, and I love the movies, and I almost feel guilty for not liking my dad’s favorite book, but I appreciate that he really tried to get me into it.  Especially since now that I’m getting older, I’m already planning on how to get my future kids into Harry Potter.  I hope they turn out more receptive than I was.
9. The constant supply of books from my Aunt Laura — I was very lucky to have the family that I have.  I got so many great books from my aunt all the time growing up.  I still have a few of them around here.  One is so old and worn that it has literally fallen apart.  It’s currently in 3 pieces and is rubber banded together.  I am just super grateful that she was so invested in my bookish ways, because she really didn’t have to be.
10. Making my own bookcase with my dad – Really, my dad made it.  I helped apply the pink stain.  But I love it.  He made it and it has my name on it and it’s pretty and pink and I’ve had it since I was 10 and I’m keeping it forever.

brain exercise

I obviously have neglected this blog to the point where I almost forgot it existed.  But for whatever reason I always wanted this page to be  well-known and well-liked.  Honestly, I don’t really care about that anymore.  Why did I need to be seen by the world?  I see myself and my life is for me to live to the fullest.

Anyway, I’m blathering already.

I gave up on this blog because I became a bit discouraged.  The thing is, I’m a coward and self-contradicting.  I wanted EVERYONE to read this blog, but I didn’t want anyone I knew in real life to see it.  So that was dumb.  I became discouraged because people were reading it that I didn’t want to, and then I was discouraged that no one was reading it at all.  Silly me.

And now, it seems, I am back.  I don’t really know why.  Part of  me just feels like I should start writing more. I don’t expect to be good at it.  I’ve never been very eloquent, or observant, or witty…or anything.  I just am who I am.  And I need to write.  My brain needs to practice forming sentences and my thoughts need to work on arrange themselves in a way that makes sense.  And so here I am.  Getting a workout in at the end of my day.

Man, I am out of shape.

pivotal

December 1One Word.
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
(Author: Gwen Bell)

2010 has been a very pivotal year for me.  Well, more like it’s been a pivotal year for those around me and for people in my life, which has lit a fire under my own butt.  My day to day life hasn’t changed much.  I have the same job, I’m still not in school, I still live with my parents, etc., but I think some of my mindset has changed.

things I want

My birthday is coming up, and so I’m going to create a fantasy wish list.

things I want

tequila.

this hat.

I don’t think you realize

How close I was to telling you I loved you.  I had to stop myself on more than one occasion.  So forgive me for feeling a bit betrayed.  I thought we were on the same page, but I guess we weren’t even in the same book.  It’s not anyone’s fault, I just need some time to hate you for a bit.  Just give me this much please.

I meant what I said.  I do love you no matter what.  I promise I’ll come around.  Just not right now.  I’m gonna be selfish for a little bit.

I don’t know how it happened

I’ve become much more focused on all things chic lately.  Today, I was texting my bestest friend and future roomie about our future apartment and how we need to have coffee table books.  I’ve become obsessed with fashion…like, a lot.  I’ve always had the wedding bug but lately I’ve been designing whole weddings with a approximate budgets.  I’ve spent way more time on etsy in the last week than I did last month.  I’ve been spending more time reading College Fashion than  I have on Facebook lately.

I don’t know when I got this way, but I kinda love it.

I almost bought five inch heels today.   WHAT.  So if this blog becomes too girly for you…I understand.